April Progress

Can’t believe its nearly the end of April already. I have received my tax return notice and will have to start collating all the info for submission. Now that savings interest is paid gross I have to see what tax I may need to pay and also what will be due on taxable dividends.

And what do you mean, we now have an general election on the 8th June. Ouch! Its bad enough with the local council ones. I am not a political animal and don’t really like the media coverage and hype that is being stirred up about Brexit. I have been trying to avoid this by evaluating things more closer to home.

I have been reviewing my work life at the moment as the job is getting toxic. I have been reading ournextlife.com and it makes interesting reading. I love the positivity and the analysis of the journey and the thoughts it provokes.  I particularly like the article on self worth & validation. I am someone who likes to feel that I am making a difference at work and that I am contributing to make positive steps for others. Getting a thanks for making a difference is more important to me than anything and gives me the self worth and fulfilment that has made going to work enjoyable and worthy.  That has been the draw rather than climbing the career ladder. I guess I have fallen into the “live to work” trap and in the past enjoyed my jobs and feeling rewarded by the positive comments from others for work delivered and achieved….making a difference….be that as a team or individual… I have received promotions along the way but have not wanted to strive for the higher levels of management and the heady heights of the career ladder.

In my current job that making a difference feeling is missing. Work is not providing any internal or external validation for me. It is not something that is present in the tasks I am performing at the moment. My contributions seem to be constantly questioned. I am being challenged at every turn and my every move interrogated to the point I now feel that I question my own ability to actually do the job. Micromanagement is kicking in big time due the the office politics, people trying to protect their own backs and putting me in the ‘scapegoat’ situation. Its a sorry state of affairs when a job turns sour. The politics of office life raises its sickly head and the dark clouds of a toxic environment start to billow around you. It has hit home harder his week as a work colleague has handed in their notice. They are not happy with their role and have found something new to move to, which will hopefully be better for them. I hope it works out well for them and also makes me realise I need to do something about my situation. I need to plan my escape.

Leaving work would resolve the toxic element but where would I find the self worth and the validation I seek? I have an innate passion for doing a good job and put my heart and soul into things. Where would I find that in a new job and eventually in FIRE?

I am not in FIRE territory yet, still on the journey with all its twists and turns. I suppose I could quit work and live off my savings for a while then look for something new.  A change of direction is needed. I did that the other year when the previous job I accepted turned out to be ‘not as advertised’. I jumped into a job too quickly after my redundancy and paid the price. What I do seem to feel is that the role I do just doesn’t fit me any more. Being a punchbag for others to verbally abuse and stress out is hard on my health. Headaches and pains abound and I wonder what it is really doing to my underlying health. As I walk into work I can feel the heavy chains wrap themselves around my body and a vice like grip squeeze the life out of my brain. I am the middle man with no ability to control or affect the situation. I don’t have that ‘teflon’ coating that seems to be required in this role, I am worn down and generally demoralised by the whole working world.

It’s making me turn the wrong way and make bad decisions. I am walking into stupid situations and making silly mistakes because my brain has disengaged. Stupid me!

I know I am ranting but need to let off the steam. An outlet for my anger is required and I need to calm down and get focused on moving on, moving forward. Frustration that I cannot expect being FIRE to completely resolve, how will it provide the validation I seek going forward. I need to find a hustle that gives me some focus and some self-worth. That need to achieve and get a feedback loop. That motivation and feeling of being valued has to come from somewhere, now in my working life and once I reach FIRE?

Where do I find it? When will I find it?

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